Don’t mention them bleedin’ hills, nearly got me divorced they did!
They were carved, based then a mixture of green poster paint, wood glue, sand and sawdust mixed up to texture ’em. This was going spiffingly in the kitchen (Herself being at work) with the fruit of my loins, been given an offcut, paintbrush and a tub of mixture to keep him occupied… he stippled away energetically, just like Daddio.
Things were going so well Yours Truly got lulled into a false sense of security, not noticing that Minime had gone quiet. I turned to encourage him to see, horror of horrors, he’d abandoned the offcut and had fetched the giant balloon he’d got from the Funfair a couple of days before, it was now covered in half a ton of green gunk and he was stippling like a lunatic…
Went the fookin’ balloon!
The entire kitchen, master wargamer and apprentice turned gunk green and the clock showed Herself home in half an hour. To be fair I made a valiant fist of rebuilding the kitchen, but in my panic overlooked one thing, Herself’s favourite leather jacket, draped over a radiator. I spotted it two minutes before ETA, and attacked it maniacally with a toothbrush dipped in soapy water. It was one of those distressed leather ones and all I managed to do was drive the green gunk into every nook and cranny. Ten minutes later the sodding coat’s distressed state was nothing compared to mine.
Herself, despite a rearguard action on my part Marshal Ney himself would have been proud of, was having none of it. Seeing the mayhem he’d caused, treacherous underthing, stabbed me in the back and started caterwauling…
So ‘world’s worst dad’, got added to my list of dastardlies. I was in the doghouse for months because of them soddin’ hills.
"Wot did you do in the war Grandad?"
"I was with Harry... At The Bridge!"